Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Pass gas, not judgment.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner