Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu