IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.