IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
You Might Also Like
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
SCARY COSTUME
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”