IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
and this one
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
When libraries troll their patrons.
