IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me irl
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.