Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.