I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I’ve had worse
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.