I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.