I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.