I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.