Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Thoughts

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what