I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Pigeon open mic night.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
This meeting could have been a cake