Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

rise and shine we got egg

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.