Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…