I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
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If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.