I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
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Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever