“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
You Might Also Like
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
HERE’S MARKY
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair