“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?