“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“How’s your day going?”
Have kids, they said
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!