“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower