“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
LOOOOOOL
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.