“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
nyc:
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
SONOFA
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?