Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

s
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Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

sure, why not