Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty