I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Breaking news:
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
We’re all getting idioter.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?