Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

i meant to share this earlier

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

This is the one