Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket