I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
![]()
You Might Also Like
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
![]()
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.