Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

my dog when i have a friend over

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!