I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
When your diet is finally over.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.