I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…