I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
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Okey dokey.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My brain is a bad influence on me
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
money maker
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy