I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Brands during Pride
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy