I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
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I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what