I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
one of
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl