Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

accurate

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

Buying a well is money well spent.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.