I’ll be mad as hell!
You Might Also Like
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Tough love is true love
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone