I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
A man of commitment.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?