Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.