I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.