Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

I don’t make the rules sorry

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.