I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Botany good plants lately?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*