Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.