I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
For anyone who needs this today
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
jesus christ confetti not now
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.