I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.