Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Hmm, not sure about this change

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Coffee for people with no kids

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.