Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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~my stomach

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

Lmao

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.