Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

You know I’m something of a chef myself

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!