I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Breaking news:
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My age is news to me every single time I remember