Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.