I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
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They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
