Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how it started vs how it ended

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

A decision was made here.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

tfw you realize …