Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

W

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

mechanics be like

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels