I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Hmmmmmmm….
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach