I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards