I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
You Might Also Like
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
The Birdles
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Happy birthday to all the women
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors