I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication