Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit