Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

S O O N

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.