Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

GM✌🏻

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

it must be school picture day

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.