I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
no refunds
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.