Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Anyone really

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

“i am a sweet baby”

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Sign of the day..