Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#merica

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

😂😂

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Haha! 😂

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.