I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.