I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

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i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do


Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man


Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?


WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working


The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.


me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun


Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.