I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Breaking news:
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
When you “pspspsp” too hard
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science