@EmissaryKerry

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

You Might Also Like

@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

@iscoff

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

@BoogTweets

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

@LegoGodzilla

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@PimpBillClinton

Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.