i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
It’s an epidemic…
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.