Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Breaking news:

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house