Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?