I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Every time.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
When you let grandma cat sit
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.