I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
sometimes we need to be reminded
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
wishing you and yours all the best
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.