Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.