Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

all bases covered

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

our love story in four pictures

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and